October 14, 2010

I'm absolutely horrified of the future. I want to fall in love. I'm sick of waiting to fall in love. I can't decide what personality disorder I have today. Something big is coming. . . I don't know what. I want to get weight-loss surgery. I'm afraid nobody will support me. What if it doesn't work? I'm so freaking sick of school it's not even funny. I can't imagine myself succeeding. I think I'm going to fail. I want someone to just tell me what to do with my life. I don't want to make my own decisions anymore. I'd rather be dead than poor.

October 13, 2010

My experiences have made me what I can only describe as racist. Every time I see a person of color, I desperately want them to change my opinion of their people. I know it's a ridiculous burden to place on someone, but I've been disappointed every single time. I hate myself for it.
What I want more than anything in the world is to matter to someone. I often feel like I'm someone people brush to the side and forget about. I truly do live for myself, but it would be nice to get some appreciation every once in a while. I think I'm a really good friend.

It kills me that I have so much passion and life in me, yet because I'm so physically unattractive, I have yet to do anything useful. Or may be I blame it on that, and really I'm just scared. I want to change the world. 

My goal by the end of the year is to do something that terrifies me.

I cry at least three times a day. Sometimes I cry for myself, sometimes for others. 

I'm afraid I love the idea of being in a relationship and in love more than I'll actually love being in a relationship and being in love.

I desperately want to believe that there is pure good inside of everyone and that circumstance or ignorance make people do horrible things. I also want to believe everyone does things with the best intentions. I think that's why I get hurt so often.

I wonder if I really am more sensitive than other people, or if I just handle my sensitivity differently than most? 

My biggest fear is finding out that I'm not special or unique.

I've fallen in love literally at least 30 times. Whether it be a love from afar that lasted 3 years and ended in anguish, or a fleeting burst of intense passion, love is love, and it's a beautiful thing.

When I think back on things that have happened or things that I've thought about and never wrote down, and realize that I've forgotten about them, I want to cry. I usually do.

Another one of my fears is facing the apocalypse alone. 

I have a theory for just about everything. 

Explaination

I really doubt that anyone will ever read this as I'm not planning on telling anyone about it. But if you do happen to be reading this, just know that these are secrets. I'm not holding anything back. If what I say makes me a terrible person. . . then I guess I'll have to deal with that, now won't I.

On a side note, I encourage anyone who reads this to respond with a comment or a secret of their own.
 I promise, this is a judgement-free zone.
At least from my end.
You can judge me all you want.